Beautiful: A Poem

Readers, I've got to be honest with you. I stopped blogging for quite some time, as I'm sure you've all noticed. But I promise that it was for a good reason. I did not think it was fair that I share wellness tips, recipes, or workout routines to help improve the lives of others when I was struggling to maintain my own health. You see, I have an eating disorder. No, it was not diagnosed by a doctor. No, I was not sent to inpatient. But I think it's pretty clear that something is up when one has gotten down to a BMI of 15.1, has terrible self-esteem, and eats five hundred calories a day. Five-hundred calories of "safe" foods. My nails were brittle, I was freezing all the time, and I isolated myself socially. It'll never truly go away, that thirst for control I denied every waking moment. But guess what? I've re-claimed my health. I am incredibly dedicated to being a girl comfortable in her own skin. I am practicing gratitude. And guess what? It's working. Others, however, are not so lucky. 

Have you ever read Bronx Masquerade by Nikki Grimes? It's an excellent novel, set in the Bronx Borough of New York City (I wonder how she came up with the title...). High school students in Mr. Ward's English class begin to explore their individual struggles and forge friendships through poetry; the end of the week means Open Mike Friday, in which the students perform their pieces for one another. Not only do these presentations reveal intimate information about each student, but they create a strong sense of empathy between the characters. In my English class, we recently finished the book. Our final assignments was to write our own poems to perform for an Open Mike, a daunting yet enthralling task. Everyone was looking forward to it. I learned some interesting things, and in the process became much closer to my peers. Here is the poem I chose to read, hoping to inspire anyone who is suffering as I did to seek aid:

Beautiful

By Maya

Let’s start off with some facts:

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, “58.6% of girls
and 28.2% of boys are actively dieting. 68.4% of girls and 51% of boys exercise
with the goal of losing weight...” Did you know that at least 30 million people of all
ages and genders and backgrounds suffer from an eating disorder in the United
States? Are you aware that every 62 minutes, at least one person dies as a direct
result of an eating disorder? 1 out of 100 young women are starving themselves,
sometimes to death.Four out of ten indviduals have experienced an eating disorder
of any kind, or have known someone who has. And only ⅓ of these severe mental
disorders, NOT lifestyle choices, will be treated. Here is my story.

Wailing, whimpering,

Shrieking, and sobbing,

My stomach roared at me

But it went silent, eventually. It always did,

In the end.

It was a miles-long march to the scale for a girl who was

Withering slowly, just holding out another day,

Cold as ice.

Fragile as glass.

Broken as the tidal wave.

I was clinging to the edge of a cliff, my hands bloodied,

My nails blue, brittle,

my sustenance

500 calories from the waking of the sun to the sleeping of the moon

I proudly introduced thinspo to fitspo, not with the shake of a hand,

But with countess pull-ups up and squats down at 5 A.M.

Heart beating, Thump……(pause)…..thump, thump, thump….(pause)....Thump

Food Network on the mind and terror in the soul,

Spinning spatulas, and recipes

I would never make.

The Doctor: Your body thinks it is entering menopause, your bones are breaking

D

O

W

N

The Grandfather: Are you trying to lose weight?

The Parents: Maya, honey, we are seriously worried.

And me: Wanting to tell, but craving control, the

Laughing, Smiling, Lying.

I was dying.

Couldn’t sleep, my mind kept drifting, worrying, about what I would

Consume

The next day, how many

Hours

Of shoulder presses, crunches, lunges I would do.

It was madness, without method.

But then one day I thought to myself,

As I calculated a BMI of 15.1,

When did skinny become more important than healthy?

When did looks overpower love?

This wasn’t me, I was better than this

This terrific disorder eating me alive as I starved,

Braver than the Pro Ana sites cleared from my browser history,

Stronger than the struggle that would come with the months of recovery.

I snipped the red bracelet off of my wrist.

I began to climb up the cliff.

And here is what I discovered at the top.

Guess what, darling?

Bones aren’t beautiful,

And the gap between your thighs is not a gateway to glamour,

Nor a window for sunlight.

A rib cage isn’t a staircase to stunning,

And a number does not define you.

Beautiful was at the top of that cliff,

And it had no shape or form

Whatsoever.

*Note to reader: This poem is a shape poem. Its shape is no shape in particular,
just like the shape of beauty.

Always remember, reader: you are more than the mirror.

Carpe Diem,

Maya

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash