Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards

First and foremost, Happy New Year, my friends! It's insane to think that 2018 is already over. Where has the time gone?! As is true of all years, this one had its ups and downs. There were beautiful moments, and parts I wish I could erase altogether, but on the whole, the past 365 days have been pretty transformative for me. I sincerely hope that you, dear reader, had an extravagant year -- but if not, let's make this year spectacular! We can do it. I believe in us.

Today, I thought I'd write a more casual and personal post, discussing some of the events of this past year and what they have taught me, as well as a few of my goals and dreams for this year. As always, I'd like to thank you for tuning in. The Avocado and Me recently celebrated its one year anniversary, and I am so grateful for all of you who have taken time out of your day to read my words. When I started this journey in November 2017, I was unsure if I would be able to keep up a steady stream of content. Quite apart from writing posts, would anyone anywhere want to read them? It means a lot to me that you have. You're incredible. Never forget that.

And without further ado, let's begin our adventure down memory lane.

I decided (as so many do) on January 1, 2018 that changes would be made over the course of the next 31 million or-so seconds. My mindset was a new year should equate to a new me, and that by the time December came around, I would be a new person entirely. Did this happen? No. But I certainly tried. At the beginning of my journey, I rid myself of practically all of my material possessions. I redecorated and repainted my room, chopped off all of my hair, and adopted a new wardrobe of clothes. On the surface, I was the "new me" I had been aiming for. But inside, nothing had really changed. We can't just decide to scrap who we were. No matter how we feel about our past selves, they aren't going to disappear overnight; no fresh coat of Revere Pewter paint is going to change you. Where you've been. What you've been through. It is true that everyone has a chapter of their story they'd rather not read aloud. But that doesn't mean that chapter isn't there, tucked away, hidden. We are composed of everything we've done, everyone we've met and loved, every word that tumbles out of our mouths. This is what we are made of. There is no undoing. There is simply evolving. 2018 taught me this - that in order to continue to move, to grow, I must accept everything about myself. I must learn self-compassion. This will be an ongoing process; never in my life have I loved every single piece of myself, and I don't believe that I ever fully will. And yet I will continue to work on it. I will strive for a bit of self-love.

My main challenge revolving around self-love in 2018 was recovering from my eating disorder. From January to mid-June, I ate literally everything in sight. This tends to happen when one completely starves themself - it is the body reclaiming the calories it's been deprived of for so long. But it terrified me. I thought there was something extraordinarily wrong with me, when in reality I was helping my body come back to life. With every extra snack I ate, I was rebuilding my bones, healing the cells I'd damaged. And I knew that. But at the same time, I hated myself for it. Though my physical body was recuperating, my head space still needed dire help. Help that I put off getting because I was ashamed. But there is magic in reaching out, my friends. You are not the exception to recovery. People love you and want to help you, and when you get that help, the world will turn on its head. 2018. A year of reclaiming my health and happiness. Again, an ongoing process, but I am so proud of the progress I've made. I'm proud that on days I want to restrict, I eat breakfast anyway. I'm proud of you, if you're going through or have gone through something similar. You are so brave.

Anorexia nervosa wasn't the only thing I said goodbye to in 2018. In fact, it was a year fraught with goodbyes, as I started a new school. Farewell to my old friends and my old community. Hello to new friends and a new community. It was a daunting transition to say the least, but it has taught me so much. Without taking that great leap, I would never have met some of the most extraordinary people (cough, cough, Lily, Hannah, Clary, Samantha, Ann, Mia, Maddie, Maci, etc.). Beautiful experiences that I've had wouldn't have happened, conversations would've been erased, and my life would honestly look drastically different. For one, I wouldn't have to wake up at five in the morning every day to go to school. But it's okay. I'm learning to love this crazy routine I've gotten myself into. All of the goodbyes I've said have been difficult, but have opened the doors to hellos I didn't know I had been waiting for. These countless partings have taught me an invaluable lesson; you have to say goodbye in order to say hello again.

In 2018, I fell down. I got back up. I meditated some days, forgot others, started journals, lost journals, found journals, and began again. Sometimes, life was hard. Two people I knew passed away from suicide this year, and other people close to me died natural deaths. I will never forget them. There were car crashes and paper cuts and moments when I felt completely and utterly lost. But then, there were the gorgeous moments. The moments we live for. The ones that become stories we will tell to our children and grandchildren in the years to come. There were the crisp autumn mornings and the lunch outings, the roller coaster rides and the laughter. 2018 brought many leaf piles to jump into, and snow to slip on, and board games and tea. I finally figured out how to flip an omelette last year. I wrote 123 blog posts. My sister has made some extraordinary friends, my dad learned how to play the piano, and my mom finished a 1,000 piece puzzle. There were harmonies and games of flash light tag, there were broken and mended hearts, there was poetry. So much poetry. Time that we will never get back has passed, and I am grateful for each and every second of it. The good. The bad. The perspective. The everything.

There is a sort of magic that comes with December 31st. People stay up late, listening to music, drinking far too much apple cider, waiting for the stroke of midnight. Waiting to say, at precisely 11:59 P.M., 'see you next year!' Waiting to embrace and smile and kiss and laugh because suddenly, it is a new year. The possibilities are endless. Who knows what will come next? The answer, of course, is no one. Time has no secrets. It is written as we go along. I suppose it could be argued that we write time. We write what it brings, what the new year will hold for us. We pour our hopes and dreams into the prospect of a brand new 365 days, and with every passing nanosecond, we determine our tales. We decide the plot of our own stories. And isn't that beautiful? I think so. But I'm also a bit of a geek.

One of the ways in which we try to figure out exactly what the new year will bring is by making New Year's Resolutions. To this day, I remember sitting in my first grade classroom writing down everything from 'good grades' to 'earn enough money to buy an easel.' We follow through with some of our resolutions, and abandon others entirely. For instance, I did get the good marks in first grade. But after countless hours of selling lemonade and raking leaves, I gave up on that easel. Oh well. The problems with New Year's Resolutions are numerous: we don't write them down, or perhaps they're too ambitious, or maybe we don't formulate a plan to accomplish them. For a goal to be achieved, we must create a road map. And some of us (I'm totally guilty of this, too) forget that major step. This year, however, I've decided to be more diligent and meticulous when it comes to goal setting. 2019 will be a good year. That much I know, and I hope it is for you, too. Perhaps you'll try writing down realistic goals and deciding exactly how you'll follow through with them. Trust me, it can be fun! Here are some of the things I hope to accomplish in 2019:

- I would like to continue to learn and be engaged in all of my classes. A firm believer that grades aren't everything, it is important to me that I am able to comprehend, apply, synthesize, and evaluate the material I am presented with in each and every one of my classes.
- Say 'yes.' As a more introverted person who tends to avoid social situations, I would like to put myself a little bit out of my comfort zone this year. Comfort zones are great, and I understand the importance of maintaining boundaries, but nothing new or exciting ever comes out of them. In 2019, I plan to make a real effort to go places with my friends, have fun, and make memories.
- Continue to challenge myself when it comes to physical fitness. I am a huge fan of exercise. Not only is it a wonderful way to wake up my body, but I find that it makes me happier and invigorates my mind. This year, I plan to incorporate more yoga into my strength training regimen. Moreover, I will increase the number of pull-ups I can do, try out new body weight exercises, and be more consistent. Something else I'd love to learn how to do it a hand stand.

- Write two blog posts per week. With school, it can be hard to find the time to update The Avocado and Me. However, it is one of the things that sparks joy in my life; therefore, I've decided that I will make the time. I absolutely adore writing and helping people, both of which I'm able to do here. That is something I feel deserves my time and energy. I also hope to create more recipes for you all this year.
- Finally, a goal I have for 2019 is to put a greater emphasis on joy, gratitude, and mindfulness in every aspect of my life. It is so easy to get caught up in the stresses and troubles of daily life, and even easier to forget what truly matters. At school, I constantly hear people talking about what they will do "in the real world." When their lives actually begin. In reality, though, this is the real world. Right here, front and center, before your very eyes. This is your life, passing you by, this is your moment. Don't put things off until later. Love openly. Be happy. Make sure your mind is a peaceful and joyous place to be. This is something I will continue to work on in 2019.

And with that, my friends, we will wrap up this post. 2018 was a year of growth, and I hope that 2019 will be a year to remember. This can be your year, if you want it to be. What are some of your goals and/ or resolutions? Please let me know in the comments below - I'd be delighted to read them! Thank you again for reading my post "Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards." Or, as my friend Adam would put it "Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards, and Front Ways and Back Ways and Long Ways and Slant-ways and Square-ways and Any Other Ways You Can Think Of." You're brilliant. Carpe Diem!

Ciao,
Maya

All pictures for this post were taken by Maya :)