What is Self-Care?

This is it, my friends. This is the day that Winter Break 2018-2019 arrives at its end. Although I'm not looking forward to the steady stream of homework and studying that will surely come with the second semester, I have to recognize how wonderful these past few weeks have been. It's been a lovely thing to wake up naturally instead of at 5 A.M., and to have time to myself. I've finished watching the Doctor Who reboot through season 10, started a new fitness program, and made omelettes for breakfast instead of Bulletproof Coffee. Breaks like these make for a splendid change. But, as with all good things, they must come to a close. Tomorrow, I will again rise at 5 A.M. and make my way to school.

I won't lie. After about three weeks of leisure, it's not going to be easy. My brain (and I'd imagine yours, too) has become accustomed to these days of relaxation. It's not going to be happy when my alarm goes off tomorrow morning. That's why I wanted to talk to you all today about the importance of self-care, and some of the misconceptions surrounding it.

When you think of the term 'self-care,' what comes to mind? Face masks, perhaps? Spa days? A restful afternoon of movies, tea, and chocolate? I used to think of self-care in the ways it is portrayed on social media - sort of idyllic, hipster, uber photogenic rituals. You've seen the posts of friends wearing clay mud masks and cucumbers over their eyes, beaming at the camera? Yeah. I thought that was self-care at its finest. However, over the course of my journey to living a healthier, happier life, I've come to understand that self-care is not, in fact, synonymous with jade-rolling your face. That's not to say that face masks and jade rollers can't be a part of a self-care routine. They most certainly can! But they aren't required. Self-care can actually be much simpler:  PsychCentral defines self-care as "any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health" (Michael).

To be frank, that definition kind of sort of baffled me. It's a definition I have a hard time remembering, because for some reason my mind likes to think of self-care as a beautiful practice. I still tend to think of it in terms of oil diffusers, fancy avocado toasts, and bath bombs. Why? Because self-care has, like so many other things, fallen prey to our consumerist society. As of today, January 7, 2019, if you type in self-care on Amazon.com, over 60,000 results will come up. These range from informative texts to inspirational cuff bangles to bronze self-tanning serum. Now, I'm sure these books, bracelets, and lotions are great. I am in no way saying that they cannot be consider self-care. But they do all have one thing in common. One thing that has distorted how many people (myself included) view self-care: they cost money.

Self-care is about what energizes you. It is a practice that grounds you in the hustle and bustle of daily life, something that is good for you. It is about taking care of yourself, about practicing self kindness and compassion, so that you can be more effective in caring for the other things in your life. The people, the work, the hobbies, all of it. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and so it is crucial that you care for yourself first. Now, if that Large 5 oz. Cotton Candy bath bomb is going to help you take care of yourself, by all means, buy it. Self-care looks different for everyone. That being said, please remember that you do not need to buy something to engage in self-preserving rituals. A bracing cup of tea can be enough. Five minutes of deep breathing, a refreshing walk around the block, or a visit to the local library can be enough. Watching your favorite movie can be considered self-care. Paint your nails. Play football with your little sister. Cook something delicious. I fervently believe that this idea, that self-care can be simple, has been effectively distorted by social media. Though we love these digital worlds, our falling into the trap of comparison is almost inevitable. Oh, so Stacey spent the day at a yoga retreat, had a Turmeric latte, and read some deep poetry? Good for Stacey. That's what self-care looks like for her. Maybe you spent the day at home with the cats, took a long shower, and binge-watched Friends. That's what self-care looks like for you. Do not compare what reinvigorates you to what reinvigorates someone else. That defeats the entire purpose of self-care. You do you. Stacey will do Stacey. You can spend money, but you don't have to. Self-care can be as mundane as a good arm workout or writing down three things you are grateful for. It can be exactly what you want it to be.

This comparison-meets-money trap is, in my opinion, one of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to self-care. But there is, of course, another. 'What is this second fallacy, Maya?' you may ask. I'll tell you. It is that men or boys cannot engage in these rituals. THIS IS FALSE. Part of the reason I believe self-care has become associated with women is, again, because it has been preyed upon by so many profit-driven industries. Practices and items often associated with women, such as wearing a face mask or buying lavender essential oils, have become prevalent in the generally accepted view of what self-care is. Of course males can wear face masks and diffuse oils, but you don't see this as frequently. I would argue that self-care itself has become a gendered practice. Consider the social norm that males are meant to be tough and strong. Crying in public has, most sadly, become a taboo in American culture for men and boys. They are taught from a young age to "man-up" and to mask any vulnerability. It's so incredibly upsetting. I fervently believe that boys and men can be just as emotional as women. Each and every person, no matter their gender, should feel free to express themselves as they see fit. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case in our society. It's messed up. While it seems to be more acceptable for women to practice self-care, there is still the mentality that men do not need to do so. They should simply "man-up, or tough it out." Part of the reason that self-care seems to be so geared toward women is because men are not always taught that it's okay to help themselves. They are meant to be powerful and "macho," and it breaks my heart. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50. I'm not saying that this number is directly correlated to a lack of self-care, but rather to the idea of toxic masculinity.

Toxic masculinity is not anti-man. It is, according to the Instagram account safezone4all, "anti-telling-men-to-repress-emotions-and-be-dominant-alphas-to-be-real-guys." May I just say - I freaking love that definition. It is so accurate, so true, and so well put. So how does toxic masculinity relate to my theory that self-care has become gendered? Because self-care, as I've mentioned previously, is all about taking care of yourself. By extension, it is about addressing your emotions and not allowing them to control you. It is about loving yourself, and preserving who you are as a human being. If boys and men in our society are taught that they must be strong, domineering figures, self-care does not seem like an approachable practice. This is wrong. We all need a way to cope with the chaotic world around us. And I mean all of us. Men and boys should be more than allowed to engage in self-care without feeling like they are violating gender norms. The misconception that this practice of self-preservation is only for women needs to be halted. Guys, you deserve to take care of yourselves and your emotions. You are allowed to pause in the chaos to play a video game, cook something, read a book, draw, run, or do something that brings you joy. You are allowed to feel.

And that, my friends, is self-care. A way for us to take a deep breath, to have a moment to ourselves during our busy lives. Remember that self-care looks completely different for everyone. Just as we are beautifully unique people, we all discover happiness through different activities. Moreover, these rituals do not need to cost money or be trendy to be effective. Certainly, if purchasing new slippers is going to help you take for yourself, go for it! But you can also practice self-care in smaller, simpler ways - a brief meditation, writing in a journal, or physical activity are some examples. Pausing to dance to your favorite song even counts! Finally, remember that self-care is for everyone. Often men and boys seem to be excluded from this equation because of the gender norms of strength and dominance our society has constructed. However, it is just as important for guys to take care of their mental, emotional, and physical health. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Take a deep breath in, and out. In and out. In and out. You are important. Remember with the frantic days of school and work ahead to care for yourself. Your homework is not as crucial as your well-being.

With love,
Maya

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