A Brief Note

Life's been a little rocky lately. The last couple of weeks have contained within them some highs, greatly outnumbered by pretty significant lows, and I haven't been in a super good place. I've been depressed. I've been in a lot of doctor's offices, and to a lot of therapy appointments. I haven't been a great friend or family member. I've missed too much school, and as a result, didn't do so hot on my last math test. Math's hard enough as it is. Add a typhoon of mental health struggles? Turns out, sometimes not even Khan Academy can offer enough help. 

But today, I'm okay. And I'm proud of that. 

I try to write here only when I'm in a relatively good head-space. Words have a lot of power, and I never want mine to come from dark or sad places. I think it's also important to note that I'm a lot more honest in writing than I am in real-life. Typing on a Chromebook to an audience, mostly of people I don't know? That's easy. I can say how lonely I am. I can say that I rarely ever cry, but two nights ago I cried so hard that I was paralyzed standing in my room, bent over, silently shaking and gasping like a fish out of water and that the worst part was not knowing why I was so sad. But I've observed I'm a great deal less honest and a great deal more mask-like in day to day life. Ask me how I am? Good, thanks, and you? Ask me if I've been doing a good job making friends? I'll say not really, but that's what the next few months are for, right?

So, it's been hard. I will not gloss that over. You know that disgusting cherry cough syrup you took as a kid when you had a cold? How you could tell the overly bright cherry flavor was only there to disguise an even nastier one? How you thought it would almost be better without the added (horrible) cherry tang? Depression, emotions... I think those are similar - they're best left without a sugarcoat. 

October 24, 2019, however, was okay. I'm okay. And it's just as important, I think, to celebrate and take note of the good things in our lives as it is to acknowledge the ickier parts. The whole roller coaster deserves some attention, from the loop-de-loops to the big drops.

Right now, I'm wearing a green blazer I got from the Goodwill across town on top of my pajamas (I am, if I do say so myself, the quintessence of business casual). I'm sitting at my desk, typing this, and out of the adjacent window I can see dusk happening to the trees, turning them pink, and heat happening to the snow on the grass. I am grateful for my mom, who has been giving me extra hugs the past few weeks, and for my dad, who talks me through the low points, and my sister, who cheers me up with all of her ridiculous tech theatre anecdotes. I'm thankful for the not-bamboo bamboo plant Hannah gave me, and that Clary is at the happiest she's been in awhile, and that Lily is finally done with life-guarding class. For Austyn and Genna and Alex who make me feel less lost at lunch, for Adam asking me if I'm doing alright, for Emery giving me a hug before choir, for every little spark of kindness anyone has ever shown me. I've been in a bad place, and they've helped me. I'm grateful there are stars, and that I am here, and that, for this snap shot in time, I am perfectly okay. 

I suppose what I'm trying to get across here is, life happens to you, but the reciprocal is also true. You can happen to life. And what miraculous breaths of fresh air those moments are.

With love,

Maya

A Very Important Post Script: I am also very, very, extremely, oh-so-very glad that my piece, Erasure, is now published on the Canvas Literary Journal's Autumn 2019 Halloween section. If you'd like, go check it out. It'd mean a lot to me. 

Photo by Alec Douglas on Unsplash, Photo by Rose Erkul on Unsplash,

Photo by Patrick McManaman on Unsplash