still.
Last place I went: Barnes and Noble, with my parents. Abby didn't want to go, because she always spends too much money at bookstores. At this point, masks weren't very prevalent. I bought 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami. I had a grande latte.
Last place I walked: the library. I had a new routine of going there everyday, after school. I'd read and do homework and have a coffee, and then I'd walk home. Passed ant hills and three churches and one grocery store and lots of dust and bus stops. There was a lady who sat at the table next to me, wearing a mask. That was the first person I'd seen with one and it felt strange.
Last people I talked to: Austyn and Khadeeja and Luke and Logan and Adam and Hana and Mr. Humphries and the librarian and the hipster college kid at the library cafe. The checker-outer at Barnes and Noble.
Last character I played: Lady Bracknell. British. Posh. The kind of woman who holds her nose so high that she could only see from the horizon up. Never stops to smell the flowers.
Last essay I wrote: On the American Dream, after reading The Great Gatsby. It was hand-written. I hate writing essays by hand.
Last restaurant I ate at: Village Inn. I had a RX Bar, because Village Inn doesn't have many gluten-free options. It was the after party for The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I was very depressed that night, which I felt incredibly guilty about, because this was beautiful. The lights were bright and my friends were laughing and stage make-up was smeared all over and it was late and we were so drunk on life. All I could think about was how it was going to end, and how I didn't want it to. I clung to that night, and because of that, I missed it. Something to work on.
Last movie I saw in theaters: Little Women. Greta Gerwig adaptation. I saw it twice because it made me feel real. Once with Cornelia from Denmark. She had to go home early and it was very sad. Once with Emma, an old friend who reached out. She was the first to do so, and it made my heart blossom.
Last announcement I heard: A teacher had her baby. Another teacher was leaving the hospital, and he hugged his wife for ten long moments. Someone had died, and I didn't know their name, and I wished I had.
Last handshake I had: Mrs. Manchester, our English coordinator. I had a meeting with the assistant principal and my teacher and Mrs. Manchester about the lack of diverse books in schools. It was very important to me. I was very clammy.
Last books I checked out: Imaginary Friend by Stephen Chbosky. Henry, Himself by Stewart O'Nan. The Mermaid and Mrs. Hancock by Imogen Hermes.
Last test I took: It was on logarithms. It went very, very badly.
Last party I went to: Lily's 16th birthday party. We had a sleepover and watched Knives Out with Vivvy, and ate soybean ice cream, and then in the morning I had a dissected burrito. That night there was a house concert. It was a very happy thing.
There have been a lot of lasts lately, but I'm hopeful there will be plenty of beautiful firsts. I'm actually most excited for the bits in between. The quiet parts. The average ones. The pieces that compose the majority of our memory. That's all I ask. And I will wait however long I need to wait.
I do not believe that things happen for a reason. I do not believe that I met you for a reason, or that I was born for a reason, or that life has a definitive reason. I believe everything is random. And I believe random can be beautiful.
So I will wait until this bout of randomness morphs into a new one. I will be still. I am privileged to be still.
I will eagerly but quietly await the moments when all things are still. Not the firsts. Not the lasts. That's not what life is.
It's still.
- Maya
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